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tales of something simple - the day my best friend and i broke up

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

the day my best friend and i broke up

It was just over three years ago and it feels like it.  It’s amazing how such an important person in your life can disappear overnight.  I still don’t know why we broke up.  I mean, I do.  But I really don’t.  For me it came out of nowhere.  Didn’t see it coming.  And certainly didn’t react well.  Being dumped by your best friend is worse than the heartbreak from your first love.  Really.  She knew my secrets.  I knew hers.  We would laugh till the sun came up.  She taught me how to use my first curse words in the most profound and elegant ways.  She was the kind of person you could fart in front of.  Fall asleep talking to.  She would tell you when something in a store looked heinous and not because she was jealous, but because it really was heinous.  She liked to take drives, listen to music…do nothing and everything at the same time.  We went on vacation, even if it was in our own backyard.  She was always creative by way of entertainment–if she was bored she made the party, even when it was just the two of us.  One time I made her laugh so hard, stalling her stick shift in a McDonald’s drive through.  She could barely breathe and even peed a little on the seat.  She made me promise never to tell. I guess it doesn’t count after a break up.

When I look in my wedding photos she is missing.  Her bridal party dress is still in my Mom’s house.  I wish she would throw it away.  I’ve missed her moments and she has missed mine.  I missed when she met the love of her life.  She missed my graduation, my promotion.  I missed when her brother died.  I hate that.  She missed my wedding.  I missed her engagement.  She missed when my life fell apart and she missed watching me pick it back up.  She missed my puppies.  I know she would love them.  I missed her wedding–it was yesterday.  I know that she was absolutely stunning and I haven’t seen a single photo.  I’m not sure I want to.

There’s something that never sits quite right with a person after a break up that should have never been.  I’ve missed helping her move into her first place.  She’s missed asking me where to put the couch and help her pick out curtains.  I’ve missed helping her plan her wedding, straighten her dress, and smooth back her curly cues that she always had at the crown of her head no matter what time of year it was.  I missed telling her she will have a beautiful life and tease her that if her husband ever mistreats her I’ll kick his ass.  And I know I will miss her babies.  And their moments.  Their birthday’s.  Watching her love them since before she ever even knew they existed.  I’ll miss telling them how we drank underage, drove too fast, listened to music too loud, studied too little, flirted with boys, watched terrible reality TV and dreamed about the future.  The one we’d end up living separately.

When someone mentions they have heard from her I keep quiet.  I don’t say much because what do you say?  There aren’t enough words to fill up over three years of a lost relationship…washed up overnight on some hot summer day when I quietly said goodbye to someone I thought would forever be tattooed on my heart as one of the funniest, kindest, silly, warm and special people I had known.  Whether she misses me, hates me, loves me, has regrets or some combination thereof, I believe that my formative years were different because of her.  I wouldn’t take our time back.  I wouldn’t erase her from memories, but unfortunately so many of them have faded, drowned and sunk far away.  I wish they didn’t but it is the way it’s happened.

I’m not sure if we reconnected today if it would ever be the same.  Or if it should.  Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we’d pick up where we left off.  But maybe we’re better off apart.  I’ve changed and I’m sure she has too.  Though I know it is probably for the best, maybe we wouldn’t fit the same way.

But since we broke up–maybe we never quite fit at all.

My experience in losing one of my best friends didn’t cause me to treat my other friends with kid gloves.  I didn’t value them any more than I had, because I couldn’t possibly appreciate them more than I already did.  I speak my mind and sometimes words can be sharp.  Sometimes silence and passiveness can be sharper–so we’ve all learned.  I never meant harm, I never meant to sting.  No one is perfect and sometimes we make mistakes without knowing it.  Maybe I made a mistake in being me.

If you know me at all you know I love bigger than the horizon and I only want the best for those I care about.  I don’t trust easily and I don’t make friends easily because of it.  But when I let you in you are family and family doesn’t break.  Family sticks.  Family puts up with you when you suck and they embrace you anyway.  So while I haven’t changed who I am for anyone, I did change my thinking.  People aren’t around forever and you should never take any relationship for granted.  People won’t always be there when you need them.  You won’t always be available when they need you.  It’s the human condition that is wonderful and confusing and hard to juggle.

Life is a balancing act and girlfriends are the one’s who keep you sane.  And even after all this time, I still miss one that used to be my very best.

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