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tales of something simple - October 2010

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

why i would like an automated response for everything in life

I have spent more time than I care to admit on the phone recently.  I literally feel like it would be useful for me to implant a secret speaker in my ear and every time I press my thumb fingernail it takes me on or off mute to talk to every I want to.  I have literally sat at a job (I refuse to admit which one) with my blue tooth in my ear, a fantastic Cousin It-like hair fiasco encroaching around my face as I obscure the fact that I am listening to some random ass ramblings of some customer service person I want to bury alive, or the easy listening of Rod Stewart’s on-hold tunes.  See, the thing is, I look productive when I have the blue tooth in my ear and no one sees it.  I look like I am working–which I am…on my personal life!  Duh.  Very important issues here people.  Hair appointments to make, lab work results to receive, vet appointments to confirm, back-ordered items to bitch about…time is precious.

I fucking love drug stores.  You call, you select the option for the pharmacy.  You select you’d like a refill.  You enter a few letters.  You enter a prescription number.  You select a time to pick it up.  It even tells you GOODBYE.  I love it.  I avoided talking to a live person who is either: eating, cranky, hard to understand, slow to understand me, is talking to someone else, is putting me on hold to do something less important, or wants to tell me I am wrong because I like the color green.  It’s swell.  This way, I don’t have to suffer from your crappy lack of customer courtesy and you don’t have to suffer me spelling out my first and last name like a moron–because yes, you ask how to spell Jessica.  Seriously?

I particularly like the messages with only two options.  1 for Yes, 2 for No.  Don’t give me seven options, all of which don’t quite exactly answer my question or meet my need, and not a single one says PRESS * for “NONE OF THE FUCKING CHOICES WE JUST GAVE YOU.”  I am so focused on finding my right option, hoping it’s next I forgot what number 1-4 were.  The best is when I hit 0 and you tell me “this is not a valid option.”  Is there a key I can hit for “you failed to help me at all and I want a coupon for something awesome”?

And what about my ULTIMATE favorite, the little automated lady that has you SPEAK your answer rather than enter a key.  I always get amused how repeating myself with the same response gets “Sorry.  I didn’t get that.  Please say…”  However, when I get frustrated and say “Bitch get me a live person” she goes,  “Please hold while I transfer you…”  It would be super fun for her to say “That is inappropriate.  Please hold.”  I’d like to receive demerits for every ounce of profanity I dish out and then maybe have someone scold me for it.  Then maybe by the time I get to a live person for them to either 1)not be able to help me, 2)not understand my question or 3)act like they can help by transferring me to someone smarter yet I ultimately end up with dead air because the original dumb ass didn’t transfer me properly, they could give me a little heat for my sharp tongue and attitude.  At least play BACK with me, you fools.

So, let’s have an automated only system.  Ordering pizza?  Choose your crust by pressing 1-5.  Press * for light sauce.  Press 1-6 for your meats.  Press 1-4 for your veggies.  Press 1 for a hot guy to delivery it without a shirt.

Calling a doctor’s office?  Press 1 to make an appointment.  Press 2 for a nurse to call you back to give you the same advice the doctor would and you can skip your co-pay.

Hair appointment needed?  Press 1 for haircut.  Press 2 for color.  Press 3 for I am going to go out for my birthday and demand to get laid, please call me back immediately.

Scheduling reservations for a first date?  Press 1 for candles on the table.  Press 2 if you want your waiter to suggest the type of beverage that will get you to third base.

Talking to the bank?  Press 1 for checking.  Press 2 for savings.  Press 3 to argue an obscenely high overdraft fee.

What can I say?  I like options and I like when people say “YES I can help you,” and not “No, these are just the rules and I can’t change it.”  Of course YOU can’t change it little man, but your boss can!

When in doubt…just hit 0–it will either get you an operator, or just make you really happy to make that sound in someone’s ear.


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