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tales of something simple - you’re a person!

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

you're a person!

OK so you actually just look like a head and a belly but you have more than tripled in size over the past two weeks.  I was up, yet again last night, worrying about you and nearly dreading our view of you today.  You will learn (or maybe not as I am changing by the moment!) that some things in life I look at with the glass half empty.  Sometimes I feel like great things in life, like you (as you are our greatest creation ever) aren’t deserved and that if I get too excited, too relaxed or too comfortable you’ll disappear on me.  I’ve come to understand that the reason I am an emotional, manic nightmare over your very being in my belly (or my uterus, which is apparently now the size of an orange or a grapefruit pending the crappy source I read online) is that I am so very afraid of there not being a you.  I am a total, utter control freak (Daddy will someday explain WHY the heck he loves me in spite of this) and I am 100% out of control when it comes to your growth, your beating heart, your growing arms and legs and multiplying, ingenuous brain cells.  It’s not until I finally said, out loud, that my greatest fear is that something will happen to you and that I will not be able to handle that scenario.  After all, yes people can get pregnant and have babies at the drop of a hat but I want you.  I don’t want a re-do.  I don’t want anyone or anything but the you that we already have.  You are a part of me in a way that no one will ever be able to have the same way and it’s an elating and terrifying feeling of love and responsibility all at once.

So today you made your second on-screen appearance and you looked enormous in comparison to your last show.  They found your heartbeat right away and I allowed myself to have a sigh of relief and enjoy the brief moments I would have relaxing until my head was back in the toilet.  You are 3/4 of an inch big which to me is amazing–how are you doing that??!!  When the Dr. answers my questions, though I do like him, he continues to reference you as a parasite because you are so small.

So after today I realized that there is a YOU.  You are now growing into a tiny, however parasitic in size, person.  And for once, just this once, I am going to make an exception and allow this moment, these moments and all of this wonder and happiness fill up my cup.

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