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tales of something simple - your body becomes this place you’ve never been to

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

your body becomes this place you've never been to

Pregnancy is a journey.

It’s powerful.

It is scary.

It is an enormous responsibility.

It is exhilarating.

Every day is new.  Every moment is different. Every tinge, tickle, pain or movement literally moves the earth.  It stops time, it pauses volume, it makes movement stop.  Every little thing changes your life without your child even being born.

I have enjoyed and felt privileged and grateful to have been able to go through this experience, which within itself are a billion mini-experiences.  I feel as though I have been outside my body, looking in, watching my life change and at times being completely blown away by the foreign terrain.

My body became a place I have never been to.

What I mean is, it’s no longer my own.  It’s no longer recognizable.  It’s no longer just mine.  Suddenly you don’t care what you weigh or how your ass looks or how perky your boobs are.  Suddenly you become enveloped in watching this thing, this new extension of yourself overtake what used to be yours and instead becomes…theirs.  You watch it move and kick and you hear its heart beat and you become one with this child and you will never be the same.  It is challenging and it is scary and it is overwhelmingly beautiful and surreal.

I worry whether I will be the mother I am supposed to be.  I wonder if I will have all the answers and what I will do when I don’t.  I am curious as to just how little sleep I can get and I fear the ability to juggle being a woman, a wife, a mother.  Through pregnancy I have already at times lost my ability to think about myself, my needs or my wants.  Instead I concern myself with washing clothes and blankets, stacking diapers and arranging cabinets and sizing outfits.  I clean incessantly as if a dust bunny will make my child’s homecoming tainted.  I don’t remember what it is like to just sit, to just be and I realize as time winds down that it may be my last opportunity to do so for a very, very long time.

I am grateful that my partner in life does everything and anything in his power to make my worries less, my tension softer, my happiness fuller.  He admits he cannot understand what it is like to go through this journey as the sole source of health, nutrition and home for this creature we have created together.  However, I admit that although he can’t, everything he does for me, for us, brings him that much closer.  I vow to take care of him and my marriage as much as I already take care of our child.  I know that this is the only way to make our family strong, healthy and happy.  We must take care of each other, especially ourselves, before we can take care of anyone else.

I saw this video and it made me cry.  Maybe half because I’m hormonal and maybe half because I could add a few of my own.

I would say…

Don’t worry that they won’t hear a heartbeat. They will.
You will know if something is wrong. No one will need to tell you.
Put your feet up, just because.
Take the time to tell yourself that things are OK, just as they are, just as you are feeling them, right in this moment.
Feel the moment. Literally.
Give yourself credit.
You are doing the most beautiful, natural, thing you could ever do in life. Embrace it.
Ask for help.
Ask for a hug.
Remember that even though it is no longer just about you, it is still about you.
Remember you aren’t the only one who has ever felt this way.
Be inspired to take better care of your mind, spirit and body, more so than ever before.  Keep the habit.
Let yourself not know everything.  Knowing everything only makes life predictable and predictable is boring.
Don’t rush time or moments or kisses or hugs.  Soak it in, hold it, enjoy it, embrace the ride.

Just as soon as I finally get fully acquainted with all of this change and unknown I know that there will be more.  I am so happy to have had this time to have my control of a very orderly, rightside up world be titled on its head. I am glad I have someone beside me who will always tell me that I am never alone. I am speechlessly overwhelmed and excited to take the one thing that has been teaching me how to be a mother, a braver person, a more grateful wife…take it out into this world that is big and scary and unpredictable and not always safe and teach it to love hard, be strong, stay loyal, hug tight, apologize and mean it, feel deeply, think swiftly, act calmly, speak thoughfully, forgive gracefully, and smile genuinely.

My body may feel like it isn’t mine…like a place I’ve never been to.  But this baby inside of me makes me feel like home.


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