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tales of something simple - thankful for my pennies and so much more

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

thankful for my pennies and so much more

I started this blog post by talking into my iPhone from the toilet while my happy little 12-week old laid on the bathroom rug squealing at the ceiling in delight.  Because after all, good thoughts and good writing come at inopportune moments like these, or when I am laying in bed at 4am and unable to fall back asleep after a middle of the night nursing marathon.  I have missed my blog sorely, however time just hasn’t allowed for too much extra vulgarity, humor and story-telling as it normally did pre-peanut.

This past year was a roller coaster of a ride (one I would actually do again).  From finding out I was pregnant, leaving a job I loved of two and a half years for bigger money and bigger opportunity, enrolling in classes to get my certification in Drug and Alcohol counseling, to pausing that dream to throw up repeatedly in trash cans, toilets and paper sacks for 21 weeks, to my ever-infinitely growing belly, to a very non-eventful, hardly dramatic labor and delivery followed by 13 weeks of wonderfully, satisfying chaos and learning, to a kick in the pants job lay off.

As I look back I don’t think a single year of my life has flown faster or ever been more gratifying.  I don’t think I have ever been more proud of myself or my body.  I was capable of amazing things in 2011, including growing a tiny human and trying to shamelessly hit my husband up for sex every time my head wasn’t in the toilet.  I  can honestly say that while I am currently jobless I have already been highly successful thus far in my career.  As far as my figure goes, some place are stretchy and feel saggy, though I have never appreciated my body more for its capabilities or its use.  I am also very thankful for my husband who not only held my hair back, pulled over so I could leave everything in my body except for a fetus and a beating heart on the highway, listened my endless worries, wiped my tears, encouraged me, rubbed my back and told me I was beautiful at 163 pounds of baby and now at 123 pounds of stretch marks and baby pooch.  I am disappointed that I didn’t give myself enough of a break, or credit, the first few weeks as a mother.  However I am making up for it now and the sense of pride I feel when I look at my daughter is astounding.

I think about our life, my life.  I think about myself and the woman I have grown into the past few years.  I think about my marriage and its journey, however trying it was for now what seems to be a blip in time, and I feel loved, courageous, brave and empowered.  I think about wonderful, beautiful friends I have had all of my life and I think about those who are newer, however equally, if not more important.  My life is so changed and I know that doesn’t resonate sometimes with others who are not at the same place as I am in my life.  I know that my single or childless friends probably look at me as a foreign object they aren’t quite sure how to talk to or what to do with…like pregnancy is in the water and mommy brain is rampant and they might catch it.  I am learning to accept that and love them anyway and I hope they are doing the same.

So in summation of 2011, I’ll leave you with a few thoughtful admissions I am gladly taking away and with me toward 2012 and beyond.

  • Good things come to those who wait.
  • Patience with yourself and with others is truly a virtue.
  • It is never, ever too late to rekindle your relationship with your mother or your sister and is well worth the time required to get to know one another as adults.
  • We can take nearly 2,000 pictures in a three month period of our daughter and I will still complain if a day passes without yet another cute thing she is doing captured forever and ever.
  • I want everything to be perfect because I want the best and it can’t be that way because this is reality and I am only one person and I am human and I need to learn for that to be OK.
  • My husband will never know my most profound admiration, appreciation and respect for him as a father.  Every night he sits with me as I feed our daughter and either talks to me or reads stories or both.  Growing up with the lack of a father figure and now watching this man I love, the other half of our daughter’s DNA, love her so deeply brings me to tears.
  • Having a child of my own has helped heal the inner child in me that so desperately wants my father to love me and be involved in my life.  I now accept and actually embrace his absence and instead cling to the possibilities for my child and her relationship with her father.
  • Becoming a mother has made me appreciate my own in a way that I don’t believe would have been possible otherwise.  I will never be able to thank her or acknowledge her in a way that will do her work justice.
  • Work is work and money is money and if you hate going to work everyday it doesn’t matter how much they pay you.  But it did allow us to buy a lot of really cool shit this year.
  • When I told my nurse if she didn’t get me an epidural I would kill someone I was being serious.  I think she knew.
  • I thought I didn’t care about technology and now I have an iPhone 4S.  Touche.
  • I look really, really good in a nice pair of tight jeans.  And they help pick my saggy ass up.
  • Cleaning is overrated and as long as crap is picked up off the floor and a candle is lit the company doesn’t really notice.
  • I thank Jesus for DVR because without it I would have no idea what is going on with Desperate Housewives, Gray’s Anatomy, Hung, Teen Mom, The Real Housewives or any talk show.
  • Now that I have a child I am convinced she will never watch a show like Teen Mom.
  • Bankruptcy was long and painful and annoying but crucial and necessary for survival.  It was a big lesson and has changed the way I look at money, how I spend it and now how I save it.
  • I am forever grateful to my health insurance company for approving endless quantities of anti-nausea medication
  • I took two of my favorite gals moving far, far away harder than I expected and I think of them more often than they know.  They affected my life in huge ways and I miss them.
  • I cling to a new favorite gal that lets me say anything, do anything, and be me 100% of the time and loves my child wildly.  I am appreciative every single day for her.
  • I read too much about awful things.  I stopped researching and reading.  I now go with my instinct and screw everything else.
  • I am proud of my boobs, Betsy and Lawrence, for producing kick ass quantities of milk for my kid.  Without them I would be an A-cup and broke from buying formula.
  • I miss my maternity clothes, but only because they were cute.  I miss my pre-pregnancy clothes but only because they used to fit.  Now nothing fits and I just wear shit that is too big hoping I don’t gain the weight back.  I’m not sure how long I will dress in clothes that are three sizes too big until I feel assured the weight stays off.
  • I have a strong love for Etsy and an appreciation for all the balls to the wall craftiness my favorite people in “my circle” possess. I am such a loser.
  • Laughter is better than any antidepressant and cheaper.
  • My house is way to small and cramped for all my baby’s baby shit but I feel like I would die without most of it so instead of ditching it I just curse when I trip over it.
  • Instead of discontinuing cursing I just put $1 into a curse jar every time I do for the baby.  She has about $1,536 by now.
  • I say I don’t like expensive, fancy or brand name things, however I never did complain about my awesome handbag or diamond necklace I got this year as gifts.
  • Sometimes you just have to say “no” or “fuck off” or both.
  • I would lay down in traffic for my daughter.  But I sure as hell  hope no one’s coming my way because I’d like to live forever to watch her grow up and be awesome.
  • Pregnancy was totally overrated but motherhood is completely worth it.
  • My marriage deserves my attention and my husband needs me.  I need him too.  We both know this.
  • I do things everyday that amaze myself.  I never knew I could be so strong.

I have a lot to consider and decide about what I want for 2012 regarding my job (or lack thereof) and my education.  In the meantime I am the happiest I have ever been.  I am more fulfilled than I could ask to be at twenty-five and I am ever so grateful for every good morning (morning breath included), midday and goodnight kiss from my hubby, every smile and giggle from my baby, every smear of mud or eaten sticks on the carpet from my dogs and every penny in my bank account…because a few of those that I picked up along the way brought me a hell of a lot of luck.

 

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