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tales of something simple - November 2014

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

A few things to know before you have children

  1. Instant love.  Instant connection?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  My first kid was a stranger for a little while.  My second kid was like a phantom limb I always had.
  2. You will have an awesome sleeper and your friends will hate you.  You will have a horrible sleeper and hate all your friends.  I hate my friends.
  3. Have at least two fabulous babysitters immediately that are not blood related and not college aged. You need longevity and people who know your child, and who your child likes because they will quickly get to an age that leaving them with anyone they do not know and know well will be like leaving the house and listening to a reenactment of the Bride of Chuckie.
  4. Do not consider the cost of raising a child unless you are already late on the bills you have.  You will never be able to afford them.  You make adjustments. It just works out.
  5. If you do not drink caffeine you should really reconsider.
  6. Every time you want to change your clothes, make dinner, take a shower, or go grocery shopping your husband will undoubtedly need to urgently take a 20 minute shit. This will happen even if you want to do one of the aforementioned activities right after he has already shit.
  7. They cry very loudly as babies. As they grow, so does their volume.  So does yours.
  8. There will come a moment where your very own discipline method will fail and you will be schooled by a toddler.
  9. You will reach the limit on your capacity to answer questions that begin with “why…?”  The key here is to provide an answer so long and confusing they do not want to ask any more.
  10. Sleeping in is a thing of the past.  Get used to the dark because you will see all hours of it.
  11. Rest assured that when you need your child not to nap, they will fall asleep.  When you need them to nap they will fight it.
  12. The 800 items you packed in that diaper bag?  You will need none of it today except the 801th thing you left at home and it was probably the stuffed giraffe with polka dots that she is terrified of 364 other days of the year.
  13. They cry.  For no reason. For every reason.  Sometimes you will find yourself just staring.
  14. The more children and pets you have, the more you fuck up their names.  The good news is that “Get down,” “don’t eat that,” “slow down,” “NO,” “be nice” and “be quiet!” is typically applicable to all.
  15. The bad news is, none of them will listen.
  16. You will spend your entire day picking up, only to see your house look like it has been robbed after they are in bed.
  17. You will wipe snot so casually with your bare hand you will even shock yourself.
  18. The amount of boogies in your child’s nose upon daycare pickup will have yourself bitching all the way to the car ‘I can’t believe Miss Jackie did not pick this all day’
  19. Whatever your aversion is, throw up….diarrhea…this doesn’t change after birth.  It is just further reinforced.
  20. You will find yourself saying things you never imagined.  Like “Don’t eat it, that’s a tampon,” or “Get your head out of my butt.”
  21. You will be sitting in the office with your iTunes on shuffle.  Elmo will come on.  You will not notice.  You will sing along.
  22. Pick your battles wisely. There will be many.  Buy wine and hair dye.
  23. You will blame as much as possible on hunger, teething, lack of sleep and gas.  Forever.
  24. Don’t worry about finding the 19 missing socks.  Buy new one’s.  You will save hours of your life.
  25. Don’t buy too many toys.  Your DVD’s, measuring cups, tooth brush, shoes, mixing bowls, flash light and kitchen knives make excellent toys of interest.
  26. Buy a toilet lock.  We don’t need to discuss why.
  27. There will be times you will not know what to do.  You will call your mom.  She won’t either.  This will confuse the shit out of you but also maximize your respect for her and for yourself…because now you know she doesn’t always know either.
  28. No one will judge you more harshly than you do yourself.  Take it easy.
  29. You will find yourself so opinionated about topics you never even pondered before having a child.  You will claim to be expert on such things.  Go on with your bad self.  You might be so fucking wrong but believing in something is better than believing in nothing.
  30. Your instincts are better than any parenting book, website or facebook group.  Spend less time reading and more time listening to that knot in your stomach.
  31. Don’t explain to anyone why you parent the way you do.  Your kid, your choices, your awesomeness.
  32. You will receive really stupid fucking advice.  You may change your mind 6 minutes, 6 months or 16 years from now and determine it the word of God.  No one is judging. Well, actually, everyone is judging, but fuck them.
  33. A year after you have 1 child stupid shit you used to relate to with childless people will get blurred.  When you have 2 children the people with 1 child will have no fucking clue what it is like to double the fun.  Meanwhile the people with more than 3 are laughing at you.  The important thing to remember is the struggle and the joy is unique for each…and you really don’t have a clue until the playing field is level…which is never by the way.
  34. You will never meet another person on the planet you can love so much yet drives you so crazy. Your feelings about this person will shift more quickly than they did for your 7th grade crush, but one huge underlying factor remains even when they are being the biggest little a-hole: there is no one you will love more and more constantly.  In the midst of exhaustion and chaos you will always remember this….even if you want to hide in the corner rocking with a cup of coffee whispering on repeat ‘Mommy isn’t here, she went on vacation.’

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