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tales of something simple - chaos

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

an evening of tourettes and other torture

Today was an average, non-eventful, non-exciting, no need to write home about kind of day. Until I got home from work. I will write the following all in third person because it was a complete out of body experience and I do not recognize the person who endured it all and lived to tell the story.

Enter house. Dogs exit house. Dogs jump up and scratch the living shit out of Jessica’s sunburn. Jessica yells all kinds of inappropriate things and even makes up a few new foul strings for each and every neighbor to hear.

Jessica feeds dogs and begins to make dinner. Defrosted beef is bad. New beef from the freezer. Jessica puts frozen as hell meat on high and decides that the microwaves defrost setting will suffice. Meat goes into microwave. Jessica fills up pool to keep dogs happy. Jessica returns to the meat to find it in a pool of fat and half raw and half burnt. Return meat to stove on high. Grease splatters everywhere. More cursing ensues. Pool overflows. Wet dogs get into house and lay on furniture. Can opener withdrawn from tangled web of kitchen gadgets drawer, and attempt 1 at opening Manwich can begins. Half inch of can open. Can opener sticks and skips. Another half inch. Can opener sticks and skips. Another two inches. Jessica gives up, takes to stove and pours. Can not open. Pry can open with bare fingers. Sauce splatter on bonsai plant, clean dishes, window, clothes, hair, hand, floor and…dog.

Jessica summons dogs to car. Realizes Penny is full of mud. Wipe mud with bare hands to avoid stain. Stain clothes, hand and car seat instead. Drive to pharmacy without GPS for first time. Gets lost. Turns around. Makes alternate turn. Finds Pharmacy. Rolls down windows so dogs won’t suffocate. Wonders if you could stick your hand in and unlock it. Gives up and goes inside with windows cracked. Wonders why old lady in checkout is staring. Looks down. No bra, flimsy shirt, tomato red skin and one hard nipple. Sweet.

Returns with continued curiosity about being able to unlock the car door with windows cracked. Dumb enough to try it. Car alarm blasts. Dogs freak out like caged animals. People stare. More cursing. Fumbling of keys. Insert wrong car key into hole. Insert right car key into hole. Drive home without incident. Move seat up to let dogs out. Crush and crumble sloppy joe rolls. Cursing. Hit Penny on head with side of door. Awesome.

Enter house, put dogs in pool, fill crushed roll with overcooked sloppy joe. Brilliant idea to eat outside and watch dogs swim. Figures out how to open and close front door with glass, plate, fork and napkin in hand. Genuis. Sit down to eat. Roll splits and falls apart into thirds, sloppy joe on plate, not in hand and roll soggy and disgusting. Eat. Successfully burn tongue and roof of mouth.

Feeds dinner to dogs. Drops some on dogs. Dogs start to eat gravel instead of dropped food. Great Mom. Looks down. This is how it ends:

See sloppy joe stain in center. See skin cancer in training at top.

Must now go fetch dogs inside and tell Penny to stop humping Miller.  Again.


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