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tales of something simple - children

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

the day i turned into a fake mom, part I

There aren’t many people who could ask me, “Hey, can you move in for a week and take care of my kids while I go away?”  and I go “Sure, where do I sign?”

However, there are special people in all of our lives that keep us sane, put smiles on our faces, make us happy and feeling safe, secure and loved–and I am that for this Mom.  Just kidding!  She is that for ME, which is why I said, “Count me in!”

I also dragged my husband and 4-legged children into this without so much as a question mark, so here we are.  Five full days of of two children, feeding them, bathing them, dressing them, tucking them in, doing their homework, and all that other parenting stuff that you do (and by “all that parenting stuff” I don’t mean et cetera so as not to bore you, I mean literally, stuff because I have NO IDEA what that other stuff is yet).

I must say, last night was pie.  I did two loads of laundry, fed them pizza, ran the dishwasher, changed sheets (in two bedrooms), collected trash, cut up chicken and planned the rest of the week’s meals AND got to bed by 10pm.  I texted my girlfriend after the kids were in bed and told her this and said, “See! So easy!”  She replied “Yeah.  Do it for 18 years straight and we will talk.”  Touche.

Among all of this I learned some valuable parenting lessons that I probably won’t remember, however I found notable.

1.  When a child says, very clearly, out of nowhere, “I am not choking, I am just eating too fast,” he is really not choking.  He is just so fucking impressed by his ability to eat 6 pieces of pizza that he needs to remind you that a trophy needs to be promptly awarded.  I am still working on my figurine for the top of the trophy.

2.  When a child says, “Can I wear those new PJ’s you brought?  I think they’d look really cool,” your empty womb instantly kicks you and begs to bear one of these sweet little beings into the world.

3. When a child says, “Brian said I could have it,” he means he got permission.  However, that doesn’t mean he got permission from a credible source.  I later found out permission for Pepsi was in fact granted, however, once the goods were passed over, the follow up question “Are you allowed to have this?” was responded to with “Yeah.  Once or twice a year.”  Good thing this fiscal is ending soon.

4.  When a child says I can’t sleep, I don’t know what the hell to say to that.  Great.  You can’t sleep.  I don’t know what to do for you.  I say, “read a book.”  Negative.  “Watch tv.”  Negative.  “Count sheep.”  Negative.  “Count back from 100 three times.”  Negative.  “Lay in the dark.”  To my credit, I did let him watch TV for 15 minutes with me while I fed him two crackers to soothe an aching stomach (I’m sure it wasn’t from the 6 pieces of pizza he didn’t choke on).  I sent him back to bed.  He came back.  I asked, “what normally happens when you can’t sleep?”  “Well, Mom and Dad tell me to go back upstairs and try and I try and then I can’t so I come back and then they make me go back to bed again.”  Gee, that sounded like a fun cycle I couldn’t wait to NOT start.  The last time he came in, I said “Maybe you don’t need to go to bed so early.”  Insert both feet in mouth as biological mother curses me from another country.  Seriously though, what do you tell a sleepless child?  So finally I just shared with him that it’s normal at his age to not feel tired or to feel tired but not be able to quiet the mind and that I too, thought it very annoying when my parents shooed me back to bed.  And he laughed, when I shooed him away doing just the same thing.

5.  When a child tells you that they don’t normally brush their teeth before going to school, your head should spin around and fall off on the floor–which mine did at promptly 6:45am.  Now I don’t care what you do when your real parents are here–however unless you have an awesome excuse other than “I drank a lot of water so now my breath doesn’t smell” for why you don’t need to brush your teeth, you will brush them and you will like it.

6.  When a child wakes up sad because they don’t think that their beloved rent-a-pets (my dogs) slept on the floor in their room overnight–you promptly respond that “Uh, duh!  They were already up preparing your water bottles and backpacks for school.  Of COURSE they slept in here!  How do you think you kept so warm all night?  All that furry body heat!”  I was believed and smiles widened.  White lies=score 1.

7.  When a child says, “It’s not fair that I have to get off the computer now” because they used their time, and remind you “I was only on the computer this long because I was talking to Mommy on it” and I say “Well that’s how you chose to use your time” and they respond “Well she started talking to me first” how do you win with that logic?  You don’t.  Because damnit, he is right!  Damn.  He got 10 more minutes.

8.  I find myself saying things I cannot believe.  Like, “Go brush your teeth…[dramatic pause] and I  WILL SMELL YOUR BREATH WHEN YOU ARE DONE!”  And gross as it was, I so did it.  I find myself saying other things like “Did you put your pull up on?” A nod responds.  “No way, I need to check.”

9.  I find myself doing things without fully thinking them through.  Like putting away all of the leftover pizza in one bag…including all the pieces the sick kids touched.  Husband=lunchless.  However, he was so smart to think of that!

10.  Rule of thumb: if you are going to make something the kids have never tried, DO NOT tell them what the hell is in it.  A dangerous, dangerous game.

11.  That thing called co-parenting?  Yeah, we need to work on that.  Something like, when I say one thing you don’t challenge me in front of the little one and vice versa.  We’ve got time…and apparently 7 1/2 more minutes playing.

12.  The feeling that you get during the day that makes you feel like you can’t wait to get home to see them doesn’t apply to kids that came out of your own vagina–some kids you just love that much even if they aren’t quite yours.


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