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tales of something simple - funny

i believe

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.

all types of chaos

the spotted eagle

So for a long time now I’ve been toying with the idea of visiting a professional waxer.  That’s right…someone skilled in the art of maintaining the flowery nether region.

A couple of weeks ago a girlfriend of mine mentioned her Russian lady that takes care of her Brazilian for her for just $35.  Not too shabby except I’d have to drive all the way downtown, wear a hijab so no one recognizes me, go through a secret door, do some weird eye contact and then get nude from the waist down followed by some stern instructions on very specific acrobatic moves in a thick Russian accent by some lady with a mustache.  Or something like that.

So instead, I found myself in the hygiene aisle today drawn to the at-home waxing kits and other scary hair removers.  This was the start of my troubles.  I didn’t know what to buy.  And I was on a budget.  I should probably never purchase my waxing materials based on a budget ever again.

Let me tell you, this whole experience was an all evening process.  It started before dinner…I’m in the kitchen while all my food is on the stove, reading the instructions to this “Hair Remover Wax Strip Kit” and Brian walks in.  I lift up my dress and go “does this look like 1/4 of an inch to you?” I got the green light to proceed.

An hour or so later I decide 15 minutes into Top Chef I’m gonna pull the trigger.  We go from eating ice cream and watching some poorly edited Bravo TV… to me spread eagle on the couch going, here, pull this off for me!  I don’t know what to say, other than I could apply it myself, but ripping it off?  I didn’t have the balls.  Just when I thought I couldn’t be any more connected with my husband…I invite him to wax me.  Holy hell.  Not only did I giggle all the way through it so hard I could have peed myself (this would have been bad), I actually have to compliment him.  He was sneaky and quick!  Though the results?  So disappointing.  Much pain, bright red skin and what appears to be a confused nether region later…not much waxing actually got done.  Either I’ve got some super amazing hair follicles from all the vitamins I take or my “quick and easy” (oh, it was) wax kit really blew.  Though the box offers instructions in Spanish too, I don’t think it would have changed my outcome.

So if Sally Hansen has a Facebook page, I’m gonna find her “don’t like” button because if my actual results last 8 weeks her customer service people are gonna hear about it.  Because honestly?  I could have done a better job using a post it.

Sally Hansen's Skin Irritating, Hair Leaving, Wax Residue Kit


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